Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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