John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
