You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
