I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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