Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How naked do you want me to be?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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