Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
