If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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