he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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