so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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