I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
