someone owes me an orgasm
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
