He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
