Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
