God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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