My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
