how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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