No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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