Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
