The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
