Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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