I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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