All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
