Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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