Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
