I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
