Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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