Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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