I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
