Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want her autograph on my taint
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
soo... how was my night?
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