I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if i can run in heels then i can drive
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
