Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
