Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
how does that bad decision feel?
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