I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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