I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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