Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
