I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
