Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
