Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
