They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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