God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
