Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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