I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
