So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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