Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
