Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my being single is dangerous.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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