Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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