I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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