legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
