I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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