you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
