Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
